Forgiveness; A Poem To The Man I Loved

Sitting here

Reminiscing on the way things used to be

In the beginning

When nothing else mattered

But looking into your eyes and seeing forever

 

In a perfect world

I would have stayed

I could have stayed

But the decision was made

Choose love or my career

I chose fear

Fear of losing you

Fear of losing us

 

 

But you see, real love doesn’t leave

Real love doesn’t shrink when things get hard

Real love doesn’t run away when issues or problems arise

When imperfection tempts the saint to become a sinner at surprise

 

So I stayed in, and kept on

Hoping, praying, fasting, visiting the house of our Lord

All in hopes you’d do the work you needed to do to be healed

To be rid of this forever

Not just for a few months or years,

Not just for my tears

But for you

 

The kind of healing that happens only from God, not self

But over and over again, you chose self

Self control

Self pity

Self hatred

And it pushed me away

 

No praying

No reading

No visiting with someone who knew

How to fight this battle that was killing you

 

In the beginning

You were quick to say I love you

I’ll admit, I said it too

But I didn’t see what was coming

So I believed this fairytale was true

 

Because in the beginning it was peaceful

No addiction

No bad habits

Just me and you

Until the timer ran out

And life’s trials came through

 

See, I wasn’t afraid until you got weak

I wasn’t afraid until you lost your faith

Faith in God

Faith in yourself

Faith in us

 

In the midst of addiction, I lost you

In the midst of addiction, I loved you

 

In the midst of your addiction, I lost myself

And you gave up

Up on us

Up on Him

 

In the midst of addiction, you blamed me

Shamed me

Left me to carry your burden on my own

Finding out how to comfort and love you

Going to meetings, researching, pleading

Just to know how to better serve you

 

But did you think for a second what it was like to carry mine?

PTSD and Depression, they said got triggered in me

When you don’t get what you need

From someone who claims to be

What they said they’d be

For you

 

In the midst of addiction, I couldn’t speak up

You wouldn’t listen

You let shame get the best of you

And it ruined us

It ruined you

 

And then it triggered me

To believe that my love wasn’t worth fighting for

Changing for

Fixing for

 

 

In the midst of addiction, I fell into your prison

“Behind bars” were your lyrics,

And in those lyrics was your heart

 

Why’d you swallow the key?

When I was right there ready to free you

Ready to love you through it all

 

Not that temporary love that happens only when the magic is there

Not the love that’s only present when things are easy to bear

That love that doesn’t leave

The love that doesn’t change its mind

The one that lasts forever

Through the good and through the latter

 

I’m so glad God listened

When I needed Him to listen

To my cries

Oh how I cried

In the mornings, and day times

And when I watered my pillow by night

 

He was there when you weren’t

He cared when you didn’t

He stayed when you couldn’t

Oh I’m so glad He listened

 

I loved you through your addiction

Listen

I don’t write this out of spite

So don’t get the story wrong when you tell her

I tried with all my might

 

I stood for truth all along

And truth needs to be spoken

Maybe it’ll save her

Maybe it’ll teach her

What you didn’t see in yourself

 

Does she know that the moment you said I love you was only weeks after you said it to me too?

Saying, “I love you but I can’t love anyone right now, and the thought of hurting you kills me”

Oh, how it’s killed me too.

 

And that blonde hair I found when I vacuumed your car months before, I forgot to mention

Was a tension

For me

 

But I pushed it away

So I wouldn’t have to see you mad

Mad at me

Mad at us

Mad at Him

Oh how I hated seeing this

 

And the last time I saw you

Checking your phone like you had something to hide

Like you were moving on and couldn’t watch me die

Inside

 

Knowing you’re making another mistake

Lying to yourself

And to me

As I watch you sleep away

The dreams of what I thought was meant to be

 

Does she know?

What you do when life gets hard again?

And loneliness triggers your despair?

She can’t save you, baby

Trust me, I tried

Only you can save you

Will you please just try?

 

Don’t you know

Forgiveness isn’t the end of it all

Forgiveness doesn’t declare healing and a finished product

Your work isn’t over once and for all

 

I know it seems like it is, because God is merciful and lets us chose

And obviously He loves you enough to bring me to you

But soon enough you’ll stop listening

Because your work isn’t done

For what needs to happen

Inside of you

 

Please don’t be mad

This is what I feel

Just keep listening

To what is real

 

 

Baby, I loved you

What more could I do?

I drove miles to prove it to you

But even my tears couldn’t change you

 

And now you want me to believe another girl is doing it for you?

So soon?

Does she know sobriety only started weeks before she became a part of you?

And from the looks of it, I’m sure she’s got reason to be afraid too

 

That’s what happens when your dad isn’t there to teach you

What real men do

When they really love you

 

 

I wonder if you deserve her

If she’s even tiptoed through some of the same waters I’ve ran through

It teaches you to love like nothing else could

Because you know what it’s like without it

Oh, how you reminded me of it

 

If you want my honest opinion,

You’re not ready to love someone like her

Because you still haven’t learned to love yourself

In the midst of all you’ve got

To carry and learn

 

That doesn’t come in a few weeks

And I knew it wasn’t happening based on the last time

I saw you weak

 

I might not know the full picture

So I’m seeing just what I can see

But maybe just maybe

neither does she

 

They all warned me early on

You’d give up trying as time goes on

But I didn’t listen

I let love blind my vision

Of what was real, and it trapped me in prison

Oh, how I didn’t listen

 

And now it all makes sense

Especially with you moving on so quick

Pattern after pattern

Of unhealthy attachment that seems like magic

And ends in tragic

Abandonment

Avoidance

Pain

Loneliness

“Too much attachment”

 

Sure, I wasn’t perfect either

Hanging on when I should’ve walked away a long time ago

But from what I recall you texted me when I’d fall

Tugging on that string that still held me

Over and over again until I couldn’t make sense

Of what you were hiding

All along

 

Good luck, my love

Please don’t hurt her if you can

She’s fragile and precious like me

Don’t you see

This isn’t what you think it could be

 

Because remember?

You “find it hard to stay motivated”

In this world “cause to certain things you created, and addiction”

 

Bad timing, you said.

And bad timing, it still is.

 

But I’m not here to blame, but to listen

Finally

To what I’m feeling

Believing

About myself

For once

And what wasn’t meant for you

 

Anger, envy, betrayal, and pain

Abandonment

Like a baby left in a trash can

That’s what it felt like

Every time you’d come back to check on me

Then push me away again

 

“It’s all in your head,” you said

Until you find yourself on a bed

Speaking up about the pain you thought was behind you

Cause the diagnosis said your brain is broken

From fighting this battle again and again

 

 

This whole time you thought you were saving me from pain

When in the end, running and hating yourself was the real strain

 

On my heart and my mind

Flooding me with thoughts of never being enough,

Never doing enough

Or being “too much” for you to stay

 

Funny, the thought

None of the thousands of others who love me ever said I was “too much”

I wonder where the difference lied

 

Lied, lies.

The things you kept from me.

Too much

Drama

Crying

Fear

I was too much to call it

“meant to be”

 

Lies, they tell me now.

“None of that is true,”

is what I’m forcing in my head now

Because of what you led me to

Broken

Forgotten

Pushed aside like I didn’t do a thing for you

 

But now that the truth is out, mercy comes

And to those who read, remember this…

 

I forgive you.

 

 

Because although the words of pain and the tears keep coming

I also, have to remember what’s true.

That we’re all afraid of our imperfections

And what they do

To us

When life tempts us to doubt again

 

I forgive you

For not knowing what you do

Did

Have

And could become

If you don’t get the help you need

To see

What I’ve seen in you all along

 

You’re not a bad person

You did some bad things

But we’re all trying to find our way

Through the scars of our yesterdays

 

I don’t know what someone did to you

Said to you

To make you believe the things you do about yourself

But they’re not true, my love.

And they never have been.

 

You’re still looking for love in other people.

Just the way I realized I was, too.

But sweetheart, believe.

It’s always been right there

Fighting for you

 

But you find it hard to believe

Because It’s where you’re scared to look

inside of you

 

 

No, I don’t hate you

Yes, I said what needed to be said.

But again, real love doesn’t change when bad decisions are made

Real love doesn’t hate when issues arise

Real love wins, every time.

 

But not the kind of love you get from other people

It’s the kind that was instilled in you before you came here

A love that is perfect, non-judgemental and kind

A love that is endless and divine

 

That love is inside of you, waiting for you to realize

What you’re doing isn’t the real you

It’s what you need to leave behind

For good this time

 

So please, stop hating yourself

For what you’ve done to me

Cause baby, I’m a warrior

Made to be set free

 

Free from addiction and sorrow

Broken relationships and betrayal

Abuse and self-hate

From illness and tears

From sadness and years

Of losing myself in the process of trying to love and help others

Believe what I’ve seen

The Lord can do for me

And you

And all of us

 

But warriors have to go through pain to gain their strength

To keep fighting the war against the evil patterns of history

 

To find their tribe and purpose

In a world where the real fight is always against sin, not each other

So baby, please fight

For once, just fight.

Against those thoughts in your mind telling you you’ll lose

 

I believe in you

Even when you don’t chose

Me

Him

Us

 

 

I love you, my love.

And I forgive you.

Because I know you’re just doing your best

With what you know to do

 

You see,

I don’t hate you

Because I know that’ll make things worse

For me and you

 

But now that I’ve said my peace,

It’s time to set myself free.

You weren’t ready to love me.

 

 

 

And I was so ready to love you.

Through all of this

Didn’t that mean anything to you?

 

But what really matters now

Is what you do from here

Because sweetie, we both know it’s coming

When failure slips in

Just please don’t do this again

To someone who loves you like I did

 

Oh, how I still love you

Despite the pain you’ve caused me

Because I see inside of you, what could be, and what should be

But what isn’t reality

 

Allow me to reintroduce myself

That day when I forgot your name

Thank you again for loving me

The best way you could during my own pain

 

 

I’m sorry if I wasn’t strong enough

To let go when I needed to

I know it caused you pain, too

 

But trust me, I’m working on it

So please work on you, too

I don’t want her to suffer through this pain

Like I did with you

 

I forgive you, my love

Just please don’t use

What you know will do damage

To more things than just you

 

I love you, my love

Above all else know that’s true

But thank you for setting me free, too

 

Good luck, my love

Please know I do

Still pray for you

To do

What’s best for you

 

Now I’m learning

Trying

Pleading for help

To let go

Of my anger and pain

And what I felt for you

 

I’m slowly getting used to picturing my future without you

Without us

Without all the people I knew would be inspired by this

Fairytale

I was planning on God giving us

 

 

I still wake up fighting the thoughts

Of never being enough for you

Oh, how I envy the good parts she gets to see of you

 

I’m sorry for what I’ve said,

But forgive me, it’s what I feel.

You hurt me, my love.

And you need to know that’s real.

 

But again, I forgive you.

For not knowing what you do.

Just please don’t lie to yourself,

And remember what is true.

 

You are a wonderful man

Destined for great things

If you choose to be

Free

From all of these things

 

 

How lucky I was

To see that potential in someone so close to me

 

From here on out,

I’ll try to look back with ease

Knowing I did my very best

To prove to you, my chest

Beated, pleaded, hoped and dreamed

That someday we’d make it

In this gospel of reprise

 

For that, I’m not ashamed

I will not shrink

I will not plead

For forgiveness for trying

To love you while you were dying

To be saved in a world of confusion and pain

 

Cuz honey, you were wrong

We’re all broken and need aid

 

And still, like always

I pain at the thought of ending my words

Of proclaiming my love

To someone who doesn’t deserve

It

Me

Us

What it could be

 

But it’s time to let go

Of this fairytale I thought would be

You’ve chosen a different road than me

 

No, no, I don’t hate you

I just disagree

With what you’ve chosen as your own destiny

 

But I’ll forgive and forget

And wish you all the best

So we both can move on,

to what God knows is best

 

I love you, sweet man

I always will

And I’ll thank God every day for what you gave me

In the end, it’s true

 

A freedom from addiction and pain

A future without sorrow and shame

Nights without wondering if you’d cave

 

Don’t worry, my love.

It’s okay now

I’ll go on in faith

Knowing that He won’t fail me now

 

 

Thanks for reminding me

How much stronger He is than me

He listened when I prayed

And pleaded for thee

 

It’s over now, my love

Please choose good from here

I won’t tell you again

So please listen clear

 

 

When you fall, know you’re loved

When you want to give up, know you’re enough

I can’t be there any more to love you and kiss you when it’s hard

But I hope and pray you’ll be there for yourself when the going gets hard

 

 

 

And if things do get bad again, send her my way

I’ll know when that time comes

What she needs in order to stay

Happy

And grateful

For how she sees God guiding her

And me

Every step of the way

 

Okay

I’m done now

Ready to let go

At least for this moment

When I can be content

Because you finally know

 

Goodbye, my love

Godspeed

Remember how He hasn’t given up on you

In your times of need

 

Don’t fret, my love

I’ll be okay

I’ve won this war a million times

And I’ll see the next day

 

But this time I’ll do it

With a love for myself that won’t go away

 

You worry about you

And protecting this “new me”

Just please don’t let her see this same pain

You gave to me

 

All I know now

Is to just hold on

To myself and the knowledge I have

That there is still a plan

for all of us to find healing,

In the essence of that Great Man.

 

 

 

All my love,

Erin Marie

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